you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
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I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
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So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.