I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME