I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
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