There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Randomize
