I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Randomize
