youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
