my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
