She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
