I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Randomize
