I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
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