I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
