I wish my penis had an off switch
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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