This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Randomize
