My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
