Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Randomize
