I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
