i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
