i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
