and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize