chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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