I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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