where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I just pynch a tree in the face
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
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