Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
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How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
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We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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