If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Randomize
