My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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