my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
