On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
