we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
