I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I think i got beer on your cat.
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