god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
