the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
