Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
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