I wish I could punch you in the face.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
i am craving dick and cupcakes
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
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