I have demons in me.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
