my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
