Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
