So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
