i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
false alarm, still single
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Randomize
