I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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