I wanna bring you to show and tell
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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