i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
