Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
