I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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