ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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