Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
People with herpes should wear stickers.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Randomize
