my phone needs a breathalizer
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
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