My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Randomize
