"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
