i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Everclear isn't food dammit
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
