Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
