Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
