I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
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