the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
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