It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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