I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
