i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
