Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
