How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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