....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
