Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
