Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
