He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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