One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Randomize
