I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
