it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
