seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
the raccoons are back...
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